With the start of the new programme last night, Indian Summers, showing the beginning of the end of British rule in India, I was thinking about the key events and how right it was that India finally got its independence.
When we see and hear about Ukraine and the Palestinians it is easy to point the finger at who we see as the perpetrators and to forget how badly the British behaved in the past. Ultimately, we need to remember how important forgiveness is in being able to move forward as a nation but also as individuals.
One of the things Desmond Tutu said about Nelson Mandela was “Before Nelson Mandela was arrested in 1962, he was an angry, relatively young man. He founded the ANC’s military wing. When he was released, he surprised everyone because he was talking about reconciliation and forgiveness and not about revenge.”
Tutu also said “Because forgiveness is like this: a room can be dank because you have closed the windows, you’ve closed the curtains. But the sun is shining outside, and the air is fresh outside. In order to get that fresh air, you have to get up and open the window and draw the curtains apart.”
What is forgiveness and why is it important?
Forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
Forgiving and letting go can be very difficult, but it is even more stressful (and can be physically detrimental) to hold on to grudges or deep painful feelings or anger.
It is equally important to understand what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen or denying the seriousness of the offence against you. It did happen, and we need to keep hold of the lesson learned but not hold onto the pain, not letting the pain define you and enabling you to heal and move on with your life.
Forgiveness is not excusing. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed. Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue hurtful behaviour, nor is it condoning the behaviour in the past or in the future.
Forgiveness is also not reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance. Sometimes, for our own protection, we need to maintain our distance.
There many tools that can be helpful in starting off the road to forgiveness – ways of expressing the feelings – such as writing it down. If you are looking to begin the process, you may find sessions with a counsellor or psychotherapist can help you manage the process. If this is something you would like to pursue, contact one of our therapists.